Ok, seriously-- How do you get the "theme" you picked to stay?  Thoughts, please.

To those of you who facebook, this is my most recent note, but here's a bonus:

A few shout-outs:  The new year's eve party was wonderful; thanks to all who came.  Ashley, it was great to see you.  We should all get together soon.  Stephanie, I'm glad you're back but I'm sorry I won't be hearing any wonderful life in NYC stories.  Julie, I love your slide shows and congrats again on the engagement.  Mary, you better keep xanga-ing in Africa!  And Crystal, for the love of God, have your bebe!

And now, my latest manifesto...

There are many passions in my life, but as far as a career goes, there are only two formidable options-- to be a professional actress or to be a French teacher.  I love to think about the future and in looking back in journals, those are always the two options that I am juggling. Now, logic would dictate that with a degree in both that I should pursue theatre first, while I'm young and not entangled in anything.  But what is logical is not always right... and hopefully, I'm right.

Theatre requires professional credits, i.e. outdoor drama for a summer.  In college, I chose mission work over professional credit and I have never regretted it.  I thought that if theatre was what I wanted to do, I could work and audition after I graduated.  That was a great idea, until I got into something I really enjoyed.

This time last year, I was substitute teaching, assistant directing a high school play, teaching French in an after-school program, and assistant directing an elementary musical.  and I LOVED it.  Most of you would stop at the substitute teaching and think, "That must have sucked!" but it didn't.  I loved every minute of it and I'd give anything to do it again.  which is why I'm back in school to get my Masters and get certified to teach French.

 I haven't questioned that move until recently when Grant and I went to see "It's a Wonderful Life" at Barter.  Of course, that play is about the choices you make in life and whether you should go or stay, but the big kicker was that I knew the lead, I was in ETSU Theatre with the lead.  That's when I started thinking, "Why am I not doing that?  See, it's not impossible.  A few years of roughing it can equal the opportunity to act professionally."  At this time, I would like to state that I'm not one of those people who wants to be famous; I just know that the art of theatre is powerful and enjoy being a part of it and figure if I can get paid to do that, that would be awesome.
 

Of course, Grant noticed my uncharacteristic quietness and asked me what was going on.  I then spilled all my thoughts and he simply replied, "Then don't waste your time in Grad School.  Start auditioning!"  I then replied, "But I don't want to. I want to be a French teacher...too!"  And he shook his head and laughed, because that's all he could do.

Here's the thing: I would be just as happy being a French teacher as I would being an actress.  That may sound stupid and I wish I could say the opposite, but that's the truth.  I get just as excited about an audition as I do talking to a kid I had in class for three days and he/she still remembers me.

For so many, teaching is the second option, the "I'll do that if this doesn't work out" option.  But for me, it is not the easy option; I'm teaching French, for goodness sakes.  I even thought when I graduated high school that I wanted to be a French teacher; but I looked at my French teacher, who, by the way, is brilliant, and said to myself, "there is no way I could do that."  But after several classes, personal growth, getting a degree in it, and having some classroom experience, I think I can do it.  I'll still have to study a lot, but I can do it and do it fairly well, and I'm really excited about it. 

Here's the other thing: The wise Julie Roberts once told me that if you can't live without doing theatre professionally, then don't, because it will take all of your life to do it.  That is true also and Julie is evidence of that.  She is an amazing actress and dancer but she is a brilliant photographer.  If she had spent her time auditioning and not putting her time into her photography, she would not be the amazing photographer that she is now.  And as the great Bobby Funk has told me, "It's not that hard; just do what you want to do."  I want to do a thousand things, but if I never act professionally, I'll be okay.  However, if I never become a French teacher, I'm sure I will have missed out.

    And that's why I'm doing what I'm doing.

You would think by now that I would have posted something about my thoughts on marriage.  But I haven't.  It's not because I don't like it-- because I love it-- it's because I'm too involved in it and it's too new to have any perspective.  It's so big and yet it's not.  It's a lifestyle that I enjoy and highly recommend.  Okay, enough vagueness...

Being 23 and in grad school and married and at a job where I can't wear jeans puts me in an awkward position:  I definitely feel somewhat grown-up, but I am not completely there and I am debating whether or not to succumb to adult ways in one very important area of my life: style.  While I do not intend to ever give up my taste in the eclectic and the funky, I do think I should shift my taste to playing dress-up-- because I may dress like an adult, but I will look like a mini-adult or a teenager pretending to be important.  Maybe that's my original dilemma: I don't like to look important, I like to look interesting. And I think that when you dress like an adult, it all really boils down to trying to look important.  When you try to look important and interesting, that only ends up in glam, and we all know I don't do glam.

I first knew I had to look important last year when I went from the coffee company-- where everyone pretty much looks like hippies who just came off the mountain-- to substitute teaching, which I love, but I looked too much like the students.  Not good for the professionalism.  So I knew I needed a change, I just didn't want to do it.  Then I saw my fabulous friend Amy sporting a semi-adult ensemble and I thought, "Ooh, that's fun."  Thus my journey has begun.  But what about when I don't have to be an adult?  What then?  Then I established this rule:  I will try as hard as I can to look like an adult without completely disturbing myself, but when I don't have to, I will look as unprofessional as possible.

Thus today happened.  Today is my first day off from work in seven straight days, probably for the first time in my life.  So what am I wearing today?  A vintage t-shirt with jeans.  Not just any jeans though.  Jeans with angel wings on the back pockets.  That's right.  I am a weird teeny-bopper.  I can't decide whether I actually like them or if I just bought them because they are so hilarious.  Either way, If you see me today or any other day like today (bc God knows I wear jeans until they smell), whether you think it's hilarious too or you think it was a bad choice and doesn't look like me at all, you will still not be able to take me seriously.  I would love to post a picture but I am bad at taking pictures of my butt (trust me, I've tried).  Hmmm, Grant?

Other side notes on this topic:  Is 23 too young to consider "looking more my age"?  Also, aren't professional and classic/preppy clothes completely the same?  I wonder, if I had dressed like that all along, would I have to change anything?  I'm glad I never did dress like that, though.  Definitely would have cramped my style.